A secret

Reader, I have been harbouring a secret for a long time now, I've been learning to drive. I've not really mentioned it to anybody, not even people in real life, it's something I've been doing on the quiet, I haven't wanted to discuss it in case I failed my test. You see, I'm a defeatist at heart, if something doesn't work for me on the first attempt it's almost a given I won't even try it again. I don't ever truly believe in myself, I'm not looking for sympathy or fishing for compliments here, I'm merely stating a fact. Anyway, back to the driving. I put off taking my theory test for an absolute age, apathy got in the way. I finally took it on my birthday this year, I nearly walked out halfway through, I was so convinced I'd failed. I mean, how many know where a horse is going if it's in the left hand lane approaching a roundabout?* I almost nodded off during the hazard perception section, the videos were hypnotic and incredibly dull. I read over my answers twice, one or two that had had me stumped meant I felt as if I'd done the whole thing wrong. I left the room and awaited my results. I'd got 47/50, good job I didn't leave really. And then for the next couple of months I drove round and round with my instructor, every Saturday morning, we finished all his mock test routes, we drove through snow, rain, bright winter sun, I finally booked my test for 1st May, I was felt sick as I put my card details in, I wasn't ready, I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.

In the mean time I did lots of driving with Ian in my little go-kart of a Saxo (or Sexo as my friend and I, who also has one, have renamed our cars). I was confident in that, perhaps a little complacent at times but I just didn't think I could pass my test. 

I knew there was no reason I couldn't, there was every reason I could do it, but I couldn't let myself think I'd pass first time. I'd booked the day off work, I went for a drive with my instructor before the test, we practised manoeuvres (that really doesn't look right, spell check tells me it is), we talked through the "Show Me Tell Me" parts of the test and discussed why I probably shouldn't answer with "well that's why I married a mechanic" when asked anything complicated. I drove us to the test centre, I won't lie, I was absolutely shitting myself. I tried to tell myself it didn't matter if I failed but I knew deep down it would, I knew that if I failed I would be so very angry and disappointed. I also knew it would cost me another £100ish to retake my test and cost me another day of my annual leave. I'm hard on myself, I know this.

My legs shook the whole time I was driving, my parallel park was torturous, I forgot to indicate when turning onto a main road, I swore under my breath and dripped with sweat. We pulled into the test centre, he told me to make myself comfortable while he went through his sheet. I panicked, my heart beat too fast, I waited and waited.

"I'm pleased to tell you, you've passed" 

I nearly died, I asked him if I really had, I didn't believe I could but I had, he was really passing me. I have never been so bloody pleased in all of my life. I feel like a real independent grown up now, I have a car, I have a bit of paper that says I'm allowed to drive (my licence is on its way), I'm waiting to find out I've dreamt it.

*It's going anywhere it damn well wants to, apparently.